۞ Life is sexually transmitted.
۞ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
۞ I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
۞ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
۞ In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
۞ Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”
۞ Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
۞ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all of that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
۞ If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
۞ If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
۞ Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Showing posts with label funny shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny shit. Show all posts
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Crazyass News Article
Milton, Florida (AP) -- A 69-year-old man rammed a pickup truck into his ex-wifes home and then ran her and her 85-year-old mother down as they tried to flee, killing them both, authorities said.
Carl Junices Bryan, who was arrested Sunday, was being held without bail on two counts of murder. Sheriffs officials said Bryan drive his truck into Becky Ann Langfords home early Sunday, leaving a gaping hole in the corner of her house near her bedroom. Langford, 59, and her mother, Queen Victoria Franklin, tried to get away but Bryan chased them down in the truck running one down, then the next, in the front yard, authorities said. He planned it out, said Santa Rosa Sheriffs Office spokesmen Jerry Henderson. He said the center of Bryans steering wheel was wrapped in rope, apparently to prevent the air bag from deploying. Tire marks crisscrossed the front yard, a lamppost was flattened and two cars that had been parked in the driveway were smashed. I thought somebody just ran off the road and hit the (house), said a neighbor, Keith Hines. Then I came outside and saw the bodies. It doesnt make any sense. Hines said he tried to help the victims, but Bryan threatened to shoot him and chased him away in his truck. Deputies said he also tried to run down arriving paramedics. Authorities said that Bryan was arrested after his truck came to a stop nearby. According to court records, Langford and Bryan divorced last March.
Carl Junices Bryan, who was arrested Sunday, was being held without bail on two counts of murder. Sheriffs officials said Bryan drive his truck into Becky Ann Langfords home early Sunday, leaving a gaping hole in the corner of her house near her bedroom. Langford, 59, and her mother, Queen Victoria Franklin, tried to get away but Bryan chased them down in the truck running one down, then the next, in the front yard, authorities said. He planned it out, said Santa Rosa Sheriffs Office spokesmen Jerry Henderson. He said the center of Bryans steering wheel was wrapped in rope, apparently to prevent the air bag from deploying. Tire marks crisscrossed the front yard, a lamppost was flattened and two cars that had been parked in the driveway were smashed. I thought somebody just ran off the road and hit the (house), said a neighbor, Keith Hines. Then I came outside and saw the bodies. It doesnt make any sense. Hines said he tried to help the victims, but Bryan threatened to shoot him and chased him away in his truck. Deputies said he also tried to run down arriving paramedics. Authorities said that Bryan was arrested after his truck came to a stop nearby. According to court records, Langford and Bryan divorced last March.
Zen & The Wisdom of Life
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry--It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force--It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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